The Count isn't taking your sh*t, Edward!

The Count isn't taking your sh*t, Edward!
The Count isn't taking your shit, Edward.

Sunday 26 June 2011

Today's Lesson - Why You Can't Argue With Twitards Part One

There's a reason why Twilight fans have a bad reputation - most of them, or at least roughly 99% who troll the internet, are batshit insane and have the mentality (and grammar skills) of your average toddler. Now, before the haters start howling, I know that not ALL of them are. I know that there is a minority who like Twilight, enjoy the guilty pleasure aspect (I understand girlish guilty pleasure - Titanic is one of my favourite movies, after all), and leave it at that. Not all of them insist it's the best literature ever and worship Meyer as a goddess. Not all of them want to marry Edward, or failing that, a guy just like Edward (who they will determinedly model in his likeness, hair gel and glitter and all). Not all of them scream bloody murder and curse you, your ancestors, and all your descendants if you dare to point out Twilight's flaws. Not all of them cram their fingers in their ears if you ask them if they know what feminism means. But, sadly, most of the fans I have come across have not been of the latter - they have been of the batshit insane former.






And now I present to you the collision between myself and one of them, revealing just one random example of a Twilight fan who dances around all the arguments I'm making, ignores the logic I present her with, and generally comes out with some facepalm-worthy, lulzy things. She's perfectly polite and coherent - rare for a Twitard - but she is still doing the fingers-jammed-in-the-ears routine that so many Twitards specialise at. Her quotes are taken, unedited, from Amazon.com.


So, this is what this fan wrote in response to someone else's pointing out the flaws in her favourite series. My comments (not posted on Amazon, only here) are in bold.


'Thanks for your commentary. Well we are all different and therefore take things in from alternate perspectives. If we are to translate the story into the 'real' world as we know it - the quixotic and magical nature of the story vanishes. It doesn't decode into our reality very well at all. I don't think it was meant to be this way. The original reviewer was trying to make sense of it by trying to relate it the world as we all know it.'


Yeah, because it's set in the real world. Oh dear, are we back to the whole 'it's fantasy so it doesn't have to make sense!' crapola?


'He didn't summarize it correctly either. I believe there are lessons to be derived from this story that we can all draw from. The rest is to be left in the moody forests of Washington State.'


Which is in the REAL WORLD. So they point out how it's set in the real world while arguing that it doesn't have to be anything like the real world? My brain just broke.



'In Meyer's Vampire Lore - her vampires are monogamous. They cannot help it. They are devoted to their mate and that individual is their mate for life.'


Oh, so just like the shapeshifters' imprinting, huh? Apparently in Meyer's world you must only have romantic feelings for ONE PERSON your whole life, and if you don't hook up with them then you're screwed, because they were the ONLY ONE you could have been happy with. You've got to praise these books for their realism and the positive 'plenty of fish in the sea' message they send to young people.


'Edward will protect Bella at all costs. In the real world it may seem he is a stalker and controlling. However in THIS world he is not. He loves Bella unconditionally and wants the best FOR her.'



Oh, Lord. I knew it. It's the old 'it's fantasy so common sense doesn't apply' argument. NO. NO. NO. NO.



Twilight is fantasy, but apart from the existence of supernatural creatures, there is no sign that the world Bella inhabits is anything different to our real world. If Twilight was set in an alternate timeline where different laws and customs had been adopted, this argument might hold some ground. But in the real world, which Twilight is set in, stalking, breaking into someone's house, disabling your girlfriend's car, and controlling who they are friends with is CREEPY and EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE - not romantic. If you are in a relationship where the guy treats you like this, you get the HELL out of that relationship. The fact that Edward berates himself in Midnight Sun for breaking into Bella's bedroom shows that EVEN HE agrees that he's being stalky and creepy - but he then just chooses to continue this behaviour anyway. This is a recurring theme of Edward's.



'He has her best interests at heart.'


That doesn't sound paternalistic at all. And isn't that the kind of thing husbands say after they 'beat some sense' their wives? 'I was only doing it for your own good...'


'If it were SHE who decided to see someone else or be with Jacob he would let her go.'


No he wouldn't. He'd take the engine out of her car to stop her driving away, and failing that, have his sister kidnap her. Has this person not read Eclipse?


'It would break his heart but he truly wants what is best for her. I can't blame Jacob for being upset and broken hearted. In "New Moon" he spent so much time with her and fell in love with her. He and Bella had a great connection. Then Edward comes back... Of course he is bitter and angry.Anyway Edward is pretty much the perfect man.'

...






When people ask me why I take my hatred of Twilight so seriously, I'm going to show them that quote. Let me just repeat it for emphasis. 'Edward is pretty much the perfect man.' If this is the future generation of women, folks, we're all doomed.


'He is devoted to Bella, loves her, respects her,'



The physical manhandling, constant jokes about her mental inferiority, comparing her to angry kittens/toddlers/baby seals, and ignoring her when she protests about his assholishness (which admittedly isn't often) really screams respect.


'is protective of her, he is moral,'


I think they mean 'amoral'. Or did they not read all the bits where he happily admits to listening in on everyone's private thoughts to the point where he is frustrated that he can't rape Bella's mind the way he can her schoolfriends. The guy shows not a fucking SHRED of remorse or even doubt over whether he should be invading their privacy. And don't give me the 'he can't help it' bullshit - Sookie Stackhouse can shut it out, so Eddiekins can to - he just chooses not to because it benefits him.



'a gentlemen,'


Don't make me pull out the quote where he drags her kicking and screaming accross the parking lot. Or where he laughs because she falls on her butt. Or throws her over his shoulder and carries her around despite her pleas for him to put her down.



'strong, attractive etc. Not all his behavior and actions can transfer to the real world. He is a vampire after all living in a world of much magic and monsters. I think many boys and men can take a good look at Edward as an example of how to be a wonderful man in every way.'



That sound is me crying. You can probably hear it from several countries away.



'Why do you think so many girls and women swoon over this character? There is a reason.'


They're all blithering idiots with no self respect and/or rabidly hormonal teenage girls who fancy Robert Pattinson?



'Take notice. Like I said take what translates positively into the real world and what doesn't work in the real world - DOES acquiesce beautifully in Meyers Forks, Washington. I think we are all astute enough to know the difference. Also who says Bella is weak?'



I say it. If she were any more of a fucking doormat she'd have 'welcome' tattooed on her vagina.



'I never saw her as weak. She is very strong actually. All that she went through and sacrificed?'


What did she sacrifice, exactly? She gets everything she ever wanted, and lives happily ever after as an immortal sparklepire. And don't give me the 'she sacrificed her human life/family/friends' thing, because it doesn't count as a sacrifice if she didn't give a flying fuck for them in the first place.



'The books were far from written perfection.'


^ Greatest. Understatement. Ever.


'The essence however was evocative, moody and lush. There were many wonderful passages.'



I particuarly enjoyed the attempted daterape, the uteral munching, and the werewolf falling in love with the baby. All classic literary moments right up there with Shylock's trial and Harry's duel with Voldermort.


'However there were many others that needed to be omitted or edited.'


We finally agree on something. I think Meyer's editor was either nonexistent or sleeping through the entire series...which I wouldn't blame them for.



'I was very conflicted with the inconsistency. However there was enough good stuff to save it. I wish I had been her editor. And yes Stephen King was jealous. No one puts someone down unless they are insecure about something.'






K wut. So if you point out that something has flaws you're automatically a 'WAHHHHH MEANIE YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS!!!!' *bursts into sobs*'? This might be the stupidest thing I ever read...and that quite an accomplishment, because I've read all 4 Twilight books.



'Also to the reviewer Alex P. Smith: I think it's a wonderful change that these vampires sparkle and do not have fangs. Who said they HAVE to have fangs?'



That's kind of like saying 'Who said werewolves HAVE to transform into wolves at the full moon?' It's an integral part of them, and as as I pointed out before, not having fangs makes it sort of hard (and very messy) to suck blood. It comes down to this...twist the original myth and you're being creative, but take away enough attributes of the original myth, and you might as well just call it a different creature altogether.



'The vampire genre has been well traversed and here is a lady who put a refreshing and creative spin on the vampire mythology. I love that they CAN go out in the sun but resist doing so because their stone like skin shimmers in the sunlight. Makes sense to me.'


That sound you hear now is me choking on my own laughter. Vampire sparkling like discoballs, you say? Why, that makes PERFECT sense! And look - Cthulhu appears to be doing the macarena! So what? I don't see what's strange about that!


'I think guys have a hard time with this story. Vampires can be powerful and winsome at the same time. Think strong black coffee laced with a heavy dose of sugar. A really toothsome kick. These vampires are as such: A heady, intoxicating, ambrosial mixture of tortured love and altercation. They are layered and complicated.'


No, they're as flat and one-dimensional as cardboard backrgound scenery in a poorly funded theatre. Apart from Rosalie's backstory, which seems oddly ripped off from Kill Bill.



'Not just killing machines.Also I don't think it is 'romantic fluff'. The story is a metaphor for so many things.'


Yeah, an incredibly clumsy metaphor for abstinence and perfect morman morals.



'Also Meyer didn't write these books for the tween/teen age group. The story translates to all age groups. It's fascinating. There hasn't been anything like it that has struck a chord with people of all ages.'


Harry Potter begs to differ. All good literature worth its salt strikes a chord with people of all ages - stop acting like Twilight is the first thing ever to have appeal out of its target audience age range.


'I love the lessons.'


How to disable your girlfriend's car when she disobeys you, or how to whine and weep and curl up in a ball of despair when your boyfriend leaves the room for five minutes?




'How refreshing it is that there isn't a whole lot of cussing and no sleeping around.'


Only a girl who practically humps her boyfriend's leg, orgasms every time he speaks to her, and is willing to throw her life and humanity away just to have some sparkly rapey sex. Yeah, that's so much healthier.


'I am by no means a prude- but there is casual sex all over the place in the media and it's really not interesting. Guys should be flattered that so many women depict male characters in such an adoring light. We make our guys for the most part- noble, strong, appealing. I mean really great guys. But how do many men portay women for the most part? In porn. As sexual objects.'

Edward telling Jacob to bring Bella back 'in the perfect condition he left her in' isn't objectifying her AT ALL. Edward offering to rent Bella out to Jacob behind her back isn't objectifying her AT ALL.


'It's not complimentary. So guys don't get upset that this story isn't about a bunch of evil, blood thirsty killing rampage vampires who torture women, fire guns and sit around and objectify women. Guys like that are revolting to women. These creatures she writes about are enduring, masculine,'


Because skinny, pale guys who sparkle, use enough hair products to explode a three mile radius if they come into contact with a naked flame, need a forklift truck to put on their makeup, and constantly bitch/whine about how emo and tragic they are - yeah...they're just dripping with testosterone!


'sensitive wonderful guys. Of course they are presented with events in the world of Forks that their characters are torn by. They aren't exactly perfect specimens.'

The author disagrees with you. She raped the thesaurus so hard for every possible synonym of the word 'perfect' that the poor thing had to be taken into protective custody.



'How tedious it would be if they were.'


Yes, listening to Bella dribble about how 'angelic' Edward's face is for the 7845603th time is pretty bloody tedious.


'These are the story parts that are sewn into their character framework. What makes the story riveting. What challenges their nature. Like I said you take what works and leave behind what doesn't for the sake of the story. There are some really good lessons here.'


*headdesk*


Holy crow! The lack of logic burned a hole in the cosmos! Next time - my polite response to this load of horseshit.

No comments:

Post a Comment